Today we are putting together a demo script for a butcher.
Let’s start with the basics from the Copy Brief for a 30 sec spot for a new client “Faber Brothers Butchers” (not a real butchers name):
- Target Audience: Young Families looking for a bargain and people who want value for money.
- Focus on the 2 for $70 meat packs – there are 5 available – (with over $100 to $120 of value depending on the pack, but total to $70 RRP each)
- Location, want to say their name as many times as possible, but not name the location – because they want people to hit their website and Facebook to drive online activity. (NOTE THAT THIS IS A FAKE WEBSITE NAME) FaberBrothersButchers.com
- Home delivery can be mentioned if there is space.
OK – the rest of this post has been transcribed from a recording I made of me doing this activity:
Let’s start the way I start writing all my scripts – with the last bit first: the company contact point! So we will have… “See Faber Brothers Butchers dot com, or find us on Facebook” (that’s 11 words from our absolute maximum of 87 giving us 76 left to play with).
Let’s next try out some different ways to present the basic information:
“It must be good, it must be fresh, and great value with cuts for everyone to enjoy”
“Everyone enjoys different cuts of meat, chicken, and pork, so…”
“5 choices of meat packs available, and get 2 for seventy dollars!”
“Value for money meat packs, choose from 5 varieties with guaranteed savings in all of them!”
“Home delivery options available within 15 kilometres, see online for details”
“See our website or Facebook page about our home delivery, or direct to boot options”
“Fifty dollars of meat these days won’t go far… that’s probably enough for a Saturday barbeque”
“If you are a fan of value for money, you’ll find a lot of value in this offer from Faber Brothers Butchers”
“Meet Patty she loves hamburgers, her husband Porter loves steaks, and their kids love cold cuts”
That took about 5 minutes to come up with those – let’s look and see if any of them fulfil our requirements from the copy brief… a couple of those lines do, sort of – they will require some tweaking, let’s put it roughly together as a script:
“Have you joined the fans of Faber Brothers Butchers? Patty, she loves fresh burgers; Porter, her husband, loves his Diane steaks; and the kids, love selected cold cuts. For the freshest cuts from nose to tail see “Faber Brothers Butchers dot com.” We do home delivery, or direct to boot options… Get 2 meat packs for seventy dollars, 5 choices available! Fans of the freshest cuts, shop online at ‘Faber Brothers Butchers dot com’, or find us on Facebook”
That’s not a bad start and is 79 words – a very good starting point for a 30 second commercial – not sure I like the start though – so let’s do some tweaking…
“Have you joined the ‘only’ fans of Faber Brothers Butchers? Our fan’s include: Patty, she loves fresh burgers; Porter, he loves Diane steaks; and who doesn’t love selected cold cuts? For the freshest cuts from nose to tail see “Faber Brothers Butchers dot com.” Choose home delivery, direct to boot, or pop in store to find out more… This week get 2 meat packs for seventy dollars, 5 choices available! Fans of the freshest cuts, shop online at ‘Faber Brothers Butchers dot com’, or can find us on Facebook”
…wow that’s now 89 words – but I kind of like where it is going – so now I am going to start using some of the tricks of the written word to put it together – and I will try to point out where the ideas come from as I put them down:
“Have you joined the ‘only’ fans of Faber Brothers Butchers? ((I like this and won’t change it))
Our fan’s ((I need another word for Fan – it’s too close to the other word – so let’s try…))
Our followers ((that’s better)) include: Patty, who loves fresh burgers; Porter, loves Diane steaks; and who doesn’t love selected cold cuts? ((Not sure about the cold-cuts bit, I will leave it in for now and come back to it)) For the freshest cuts from nose to tail ((I just checked with the butcher, they do, do nose to tail, and they definitely want that in there, but they are not including cold cuts in the meat pack, so let’s rework that)) For the freshest cuts from nose to tail see “Faber Brothers Butchers dot com.” ((Good)) Choose home delivery, direct to car boot, or pop in store to find out more… This week’s special: get 2 meat packs for seventy dollars, 5 choices available! Fans of the freshest cuts, shop online at ‘Faber Brothers Butchers dot com’, or can find us on Facebook”
So that is now… 83 words – well that’s not so good – I added some – so now it is time to trim…
“Have you joined the ‘only’ fans of Faber Brothers Butchers? Our followers include: Patty, who loves fresh burgers; and Porter, loves Diane steaks; From nose to tail fresh cuts see “Faber Brothers Butchers dot com.” Choose home delivery, direct to car boot, or pop in store to find out more… This week’s special: get 2 meat packs for seventy dollars, 5 choices available! Fans of the freshest cuts, shop online at ‘Faber Brothers Butchers dot com’, find us on Facebook”
That’s 80 words… I am happy with that for now… I will leave it to sit for 10-15 minutes and come back to it… ((ON HOLD MUZAC PLAYS)) …and I am back.
I have had a think about it and want to make a couple of changes…
“Have you joined the other ‘only’ fans of Faber Brothers Butchers? Like: Patty, who loves fresh burgers; and Keith who’s over the moon over our drumsticks; For nose to tail fresh cuts see “Faber Brothers Butchers dot com.” Choose home delivery, direct to car boot, or pop in store to find out more… Until Saturday get 2 meat packs for seventy dollars, 5 choices available! Fans of ours shop online at ‘Faber Brothers Butchers dot com’, find us on Facebook”
That’s still 80 words – it feels better… I wanted to change it from just having 2 meat mentions to one meat and one chicken, if I could I would have had one pork in there with a lamb one too, 2 out of 4 is okay I guess. I also put in a day time limit in there to motivate sales before then.
Let’s do a final polish on it before I send it to the client and see what they think of it… making sure I have ticked off all of the elements from the Copy Brief…
“Have you joined the other ‘only’ fans of Faber Brothers Butchers?
Like: Patty, who loves fresh burgers; and Keith who’s over the moon over our drumsticks;
For nose to tail fresh cuts see “Faber Brothers Butchers dot com.”
Choose home delivery, direct to car boot, or pop in store to find out more…
Until Saturday get 2 meat packs for seventy dollars, 5 choices available!
Fans of ours, shop online at ‘Faber Brothers Butchers dot com’, find us on Facebook”
I next made a recording of this script, and would then send the recording and the script to the client explaining the choices I had made, and that the demo recording attached was a rough cut only and it was to just give them an idea of how the commercial might sound. And asked if they wanted a male or female voice read? And a preference for music style for the music bed?
Making some slight tweaks if needed from the client, then getting them to sign off the final script – I would then send it off to be voiced and produced.
That then is a complete demo of writing a script for a butchers, based on a 4 point copy brief. There are many other ways I could have gone with this, from a serious point by point mentioning price, or a fully creative script – I would class this one as a semi-creative script.
Until next time then… what should I do next week?
